Whale of Honor
by Nazmuko
Summary: It's Janet's wedding day but her maid of honor is feeling big, uncomfortable and rather hormonal. This is a SAM/JACK story, placed in Janet and Daniel's wedding. Pure silliness.


**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and no profit was made.

**Timeline: **Before Heroes 2 (season 6 excluded) unless you want to consider it an AU.

**Spoilers: **None as far as I know

**Summary: **It's Janet's wedding day but her maid-of-honor is feeling big, uncomfortable and rather hormonal. This is a SAM/JACK story, placed in Janet and Daniel's wedding. Pure silliness.

**A/N: **I don't know where these oneshots keep popping into my head. This one actually started with the names (you'll understand once you get there) and then came the title and then it just kinda spiraled out of control from there.

My knowledge of pregnancy (like everything else) is based on books and wikipedia, not personal experiences so my facts my be completely wrong. If possible, ignore that because this story was written just for fun. And please, blame the OOCness for the hormones.

And beware, you might feel bit hormonal, too, after this one. I've been craving for hotdogs with raspberry jelly all evening and I'm blaming it on this story. Hmm... I'm sure they'd be awesome with some raw onion and mustard...

Oh, and English is not my first language so I apologize for all mistakes you will find in this story.

Have fun! I sure did!

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><p>"Come on, Janet," Sam sighs and sits down, inwardly cursing her sore ankles. "Why couldn't this wait two months?"<p>

"You know why, Sam. Five months ago the roles were reversed, remember?"

"Well yeah but... Just because I wanted to get married as soon as I found out I'm pregnant doesn't mean you have to be as old-fashioned."

"Sam, you look beautiful," Janet says and puts her hands on her shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze.

Sam snorts. "I'm eight months pregnant with twins, Janet. _You_ look beautiful. Well no, you look amazing but anyway. _Cassie _looks beautiful in her bridesmaid dress. Me? I look like... like a _whale of honor._"

Janet can't help but laugh at the comment and her miserable expression and soon Sam is chuckling, too.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Janet offers.

"No, it's OK. I'm just cranky and hormonal." Sam sighs and closes her eyes briefly before she looks at her friend again. "I really _am_ happy for you, Janet. You and Daniel both. Don't let me ruin your day."

"Nothing can ruin this day, Sam. I'm surrounded with my closest friends on my wedding day. Everything else is irrelevant."

"Alright." Sam heaves a sigh. "I guess it's the first wedding where the maid of honor is the one that needs to be walked down the isle, huh."

"I offered you the wheelchair, Sam."

"My best friend is getting married, there's no way I'm gonna sit in a wheelchair, Janet."

"Alright. Walk and whine then, sis, walk and whine."

"Mom?" Cassie calls from the other side of the door. "You guys ready?"

Janet glances at Sam who nods.

"Yes, honey!"

A moment later Cassie helps Sam walk down the aisle. Jack, the best man along with Teal'c, is standing next to Daniel and looks a little concerned when his wife wobbles towards them. Sam flashes all three of them a reassuring smile. There are chairs in the front of the church, Sam will only have to stand long enough for Janet to reach them.

Finally the doors open and Janet walks in with her father.

"Wow," Daniel sighs when he takes a look at his bride in the strapless lacy dress.

"I believe you will soon gather winged insects, DanielJackson."

"Huh?" the groom blinks.

"Catching flies, Daniel," Jack helpfully translates. "Pick up your chin before there's a puddle on the floor."

"She looks amazing," the archaeologist sighs, unable to look at anything but Janet.

"That she does," Jack agrees.

"Indeed," Teal'c comments.

Then Cassie tosses them a _shut up_ look and they all zip it, pursing their lips tightly together even though Daniel still somehow manages to grin like an idiot. But he's kinda earned it, Jack decides.

The ceremony is short and beautiful and Sam is lucky she can blame the hormones for the tears that keep rolling down her cheeks. She didn't cry this much even in her own wedding, she realizes. And oh, did she cry that day. Happiness combined with hormones seems to be the magic mixture to open the floodgates.

When it's time to walk out of the church, it's Jack who helps Sam, gently rubbing the small of her back as they walk and she has to bite her lip to stop the moan which threatens to escape. He seems to know exactly when she's in pain and is quite good at making her feel better. If she had known how uncomfortable being pregnant is she would have- no, she wouldn't. She would have done it anyway. Because despite all the discomfort, it's still kinda cool to carry two human beings inside her.

"How are Ben and Jerry holding up?" Jack whispers as soon as they are outside and he helps her sit down on a bench. Sam rolls her eyes. Yes, she's had some _minor_ cravings throughout the pregnancy but nicknaming the kids after an ice cream trademark really was a little too much.

"Baby A and Baby B are doing just fine. They kindly left my bladder alone for the service."

Sam still systematically rebels against the nicknames in public but when alone, she has sometimes caught herself calling them Baby J and Baby B. But that's as far as she's willing to go.

They aren't even 100% sure about the genders yet so if feels weird to call them by names. There is one boy in there, that much is sure. But they have never managed to catch them both at the same time so they aren't sure if they have seen two different... sets of boy things... or if it was the same kid in different position. Jack kindly keeps pointing out that Jerry is a unisex name so it doesn't really matter.

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><p>"May I have this dance?" Jack asks and offers his hand with a polite bow.<p>

"Go away, Jack," Sam sighs and takes another bite of the chocolate cake. She has a hunch Janet has made the buffet menu based on Sam's cravings because it has all the things she loves and absolutely no seafood but then again, Janet is pregnant too so it could be either way.

"Come on, Sam," Jack chuckles and straightens up.

"I can't even walk anymore. How do you expect me to dance?"

"We can just sway. I'd really like to hold you close, Sam."

"See? That's the problem. You have to wait at least a month to do that, Daddy. Because right now all you get close to is this bump with _two_ little dancers."

"They're dancing?" Jack raises his eyebrows, amused.

"Oh, yes. As soon as the music begun, they started moving. Even though it feels more like some show of martial art skills than actual dancing."

"Maybe it's hip-hop."

Sam chuckles but doesn't answer. She has a cake to destroy, after all, and he's evilly trying to distract her.

Jack sits down next to her and presses his hand on her tummy. Immediately someone kicks it from inside.

"Come on, Jerry. Be nice to your mother," he speaks softly.

"You can't know which one that is, Jack."

"Of course I can. Jerry is the kicker, Ben is the boxer. Besides, they've pretty much claimed their sides of the bed by now."

That's true, Sam has to admit. There's not much space for them to move anymore. And one of them _is_ more active with the kicking and one is always shadow boxing in the ultrasounds. She really hopes the one Jack has dubbed as Ben is really a boy.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" Jack leans in to whisper in her ear and Sam rolls her eyes.

"You tell me _every_ _day_ how beautiful I look. And I still don't believe you."

"Well, today I really mean it."

Sam tosses him a look that quickly makes Jack gulp.

"That didn't come out right, did it?" he asks softly.

"No, I don't think it did."

"Somehow I have a hunch I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight, huh?" He's gotten used to the mood swings already. His back hasn't, though, but he has no-one to blame but himself this time.

"I'm gonna go into labor any minute now, Jack. I'm not gonna let you more than twenty feet away from me."

"So I can get away with anything now, huh?" His eyes light up and Sam can't help wondering what he's planning.

"I'll just make you sleep on the floor next to the bed if you really screw up, Jack. Wanna try your luck?"

Normally he wouldn't believe the threat because she knows his back and knees hate sleeping on hard surfaces even more than sleeping on the couch but with the hormones in her system... Well he really can't be sure about anything nowadays.

"Ah, no, I'm good. And really, Sam. You look stunning."

Sam glances at her dress. She likes it, too, she has to admit. It's funny, really, that she has a huge baby bump and her breasts have grown at least two cups and all in all she has more curves than ever before but she hasn't felt like _a woman_ for a long, long time. She feels like a whale most of the time. But in this simple, knee-length sky blue dress that Janet got her... she almost feels pretty again. It probably has something to do with the way her hair is curled, too, and the fact that she's wearing make-up for the first time in weeks, if not months.

"Thank you," she tells her husband with a little smile.

"Come on, let's dance."

"Jack..." she sighs.

"I wanna show you off a little, that's all." He wiggles his eyebrows. And then come the magic words: "I'll give you a foot massage at home."

Sam moans at the bare thought of his talented hands on her sore feet. She knows he would do it anyway but this seems to be important to him so she extends her hand and waits for Jack to help her up.

They slowly make their way to the dance floor. Sam wraps her arms around Jack's neck and his hands come to rest on her waist, or more specifically where her waist used to be. They start to sway to the music and she kinda feels like she's a ten-year-old again and dancing with a boy for the first time. It's awkward and bit uncomfortable but also kinda exciting and the proud, happy grin on her husband's face is more than worth the mild discomfort.

They share a gentle kiss right when the song is about to end, are about to return to their seats when Daniel walks to them. "Sam? You up to another dance?" he asks.

"Well, it _is_ your wedding day," she says with a little smile.

"Hey, that's unfair!" Jack whines. "I had to promise her the stars and the moon to get her to dance with me."

"It's his _wedding day_, Jack. If I remember correctly, I danced with you on _your_ wedding day without any complaints." She raises her eyebrows at him.

"Well," Daniel chimes in. "Technically it wasn't dancing, you two were just making out in the middle of the dance floor."

"Hey!" Jack yelps. "I was _happy_ that day. You know how rare that is? I was allowed some... inappropriate behavior."

"Oh, yes," Daniel snorts. "We all know how rare _that_ is."

"Boys!" Sam interrupts before their banter can get any further. "Pregnant woman over here! Doesn't like staying on her feet? Gets cranky if ignored? Sound familiar?" She gets two sheepish looks in response. "Jack, go get me a soda. I promise I won't make out with Daniel."

"Watch out, Daniel," Jack leans in to whisper, rather loudly. "They get bossy around the third trimester."

Sam rolls her eyes, links her arm with Daniel's and leads them a little further into the dance floor.

"You sure you're up to this?" Daniel asks, a little concerned.

"I'm fine, Daniel. Besides, Jack promised me a foot massage." She grins happily at him as she wraps her arms around his neck, like she did with her husband a moment ago.

Daniel chuckles and they start moving slowly. "Guess I'll be in massage duty in a few months, too, huh?"

"Oh, yes. And trust me, _your_ life will be a lot easier when your wife is feeling comfortable."

"Oh, I've noticed a pregnant woman is a force to be reckoned with."

"The ever-lovely hormones," Sam chuckles. "Just wait for it."

"Oh, trust me, we've met already," Daniel mumbled.

"Actually there _was_ that one phase when I really, _really_ loved the hormones..."

"Too much information, Sam," Daniel yelps but he's smiling anyway. They dance in silence for a while.

"Have I told you I'm happy for you, Daniel?" Sam whispers when the song is ending.

"Not since we left the church."

"Well, I'm happy for you."

"Thank you. I'm happy for you, too."

"Now... Could you walk me back to our table? I think I've had enough dancing for one evening and you should go save your beautiful bride from Teal'c."

"Teal'c is a good dancer," Daniel says as they stop and let go of each other. His hand finds its way on the small of Sam's back as he guides them towards the table where Jack is waiting. "Maybe not the most relaxed or best improviser but a good dancer none the less."

"Yes. But he's a lot taller than Janet so that can't be comfortable."

"Right," he says with a little frown. "I forgot that part."

Sam chuckles.

They reach the table and Daniel helps Sam sit down. "How long are you going to stay?" he asks, knowing Sam gets tired very easily.

"Not long," Jack answers and gives Sam the soda she ordered.

"A slice or two," Sam speaks at the same time. She gratefully takes the soda and takes a sip. It's a small drink and she's oddly comforted by the fact that her husband knows the limits of her bladder nowadays. It's funny, really, the things you learn to appreciate when you're pregnant with twins.

When she lifts her gaze, she realizes the men are staring at her.

"Cake," she explains and gestures towards the table where the chocolaty goodness is waiting for her. "I want a slice or two of that before I'll even consider leaving."

"Good to know where we can drop off the leftovers tomorrow," Daniel chuckles.

"What, Janet doesn't like that?" Sam yelps, obviously shocked how someone could resist the charm of the rich, sweet pastry.

"Ah, she's been craving for carrots this week."

"As in carrot cake or the actual vegetables?" Jack asks.

"The real thing. She actually had one hidden in her dress."

Jack snorts. "How is it possible to hide _anything _in- Oh."

"Yes, oh. I noticed when we were dancing."

Sam raises her eyebrows. "Janet has a carrot between her boobs?"

"That's sounds like some kind of nursery rhyme," Jack mumbles.

"Not anymore," Daniel answers. "Apparently she ate it in the bathroom."

"You know," Jack says thoughtfully. "That's not a craving anymore, that starts to sound more like an addiction. Hidden stash, sneaking away to eat it..."

"Ah-ah," comes Janet's voice from behind Jack all of a sudden. "Badmouthing a pregnant woman. Never a good idea." She makes her way to the table to stand next to Daniel.

"Sorry, doc." Jack raises his hands in surrender. "I mean no harm. Where did ya leave Teal'c?"

"He's dancing with Cassie. And I think the cravings are my fault, actually. I forgot to take my vitamins a few times and my body is trying to get what it needs."

"_You_ forgot?" Sam asks. "The way you nagged _me_ about them made it look like I would die right away if I was fifteen minutes late with the pill every morning."

"Yes, well... Doctors usually are the worst patients. As a matter a fact, I think I need my fix again."

"I'll go ask if they have any carrots in the kitchen," Daniel offers with a sigh and Sam gets the impression that it isn't the first time he does that and the previous times probably didn't go too well.

"No, it's alright. I have some in the car."

"You have another stash in the car?" Jack asks.

"Of course. The first one was just for emergencies."

Sam's chuckle turns into a yawn and she's not quite fast enough to hide it.

"Go home, Sam," Janet says and places a hand on her shoulder. "You need to rest."

"No, it's alright. We can stay a little longer."

"Take the cake with you," Janet nods towards the buffet.

"No. Other people want it, too," she says but others can't miss the dreamy look in her eyes. Jack snorts. Who is he to complain about Janet's craving for carrots? His wife's eyes practically glaze over when she sees chocolate. Talk about addiction.

"They might want it but you look like you _need_ it. It's my party. I get to decide who goes home with the cake."

"Well technically it's Daniel's party, too," Jack points out.

"Yes," he agrees. "But I'm smart enough to stay out of the way when two pregnant women are up to something."

"Good point," Jack mumbles and then turns to look at Sam. "So, shall we?"

"I really get to take the cake with me?" Jack wishes she didn't look so much like a kid on a Christmas morning because he's starting to feel like the third wheel here.

"Yes. I'll go ask someone to pack it for you."

While the rest of them wait, slowly sipping their drinks, they try to keep up some kind of small-talk but it seems like they all are a little tired already and in the end they just slip into a comfortable silence.

"Heeere you are," Janet says and places the cake on the table in front of Sam a little later. "Have fun," she winks at her friend. "And don't eat all of it tonight. Too much sugar is bad for you."

"So is forgetting your vitamins," Sam challenges as she tries to get up. "_You_ don't follow your own advice, why should I?" Jack quickly scrambles to his feet, before Daniel can even offer to help Sam, and walks around the table to help his wife up.

"Because if you eat all that, you'll get sugar hangover tomorrow morning," Janet explains. "It's like morning sickness all over again except try bending over the toilet with the twins over there. Not gonna work."

Not a pretty mental image but exactly what Sam needed to take the advice. "Right," she mumbles with a wince. "One slice." She turns to speak to Jack. "I try to get more and you chain me to the bed until morning."

"Ah, no," he says with a frown. "Because with my luck you would go into labor and I would lose the key in panic and I really don't want to explain to the paramedics that my eight months pregnant wife is chained to a bed because of a chocolate cake. But I _can_ promise to lock it in the fridge."

"Good enough. But put the padlock low so I can't pick it."

"Uh, Jack," Daniel asks, hesitantly. "How often _does_ she pick the lock on the fridge?" He really didn't want to know how often Sam got chained to the bed so he decided to ignore that part.

"Fridge? Never. Freezer? What, three times now?"

"Three that you know of."

"So that would make about seven in total," Jack says with a shrug. "Because I usually miss over half of what she says and does."

Sam rolls her eyes but doesn't deny or confirm the estimation. Daniel looks a little scared when he thinks about what he'll be up against in a few months.

"If it's any help," Janet speaks softly to her husband. "I don't know how to pick locks."

"See!" Jack gestures towards the doctor. "No problem, Daniel. You'll do just fine. No need to panic."

"Uh, right..." he mumbles and glances at Sam, then Janet. "Except from the way they're looking at each other now, Sam is willing to teach her. And Janet is going to take her up on that offer."

Jack turns to look at the woman next to him. "Carter!" he barks but the word somehow sounds like an endearment and an order in equal parts nowadays and doesn't quite have the effect it used to have.

"It's _cake _we're talking about here," she says like that would explain everything and Jack has to admit that if someone put a lock between _him_ and a cake, he'd sure pick it, too. But he's not going to say that out loud. Besides, he honestly expected better of the doc. She just told Sam how bad sugar is for her!

"Or carrots," Janet corrects and Jack tries hard not to let his expression show how amusing he finds that image. The petite doctor sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night, then spending a long while to pick the lock and when she finally gets the door open, she grabs two carrots and ignores the cake and other good stuff.

"Right," Daniel sighs, sounding almost defeated. "Carrots."

Jack is suddenly _very _happy that Sam will go into labor any minute now. Daniel, on the other hand... Oh, he has it all ahead of him.

~The End~

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><p><strong>AN: **Let me know what you think! Did I manage to make you laugh? Any sudden cravings?

Also, please note that this is a ONESHOT so please don't add story alerts on this one.


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